The day Tad's been waiting for

So Trazodone can cause a few concerning side effects for someone who already has brain issues like Tad's. They're not particularly dangerous, but they might make Tad feel more anxious or like he's dreaming when he's not. Vision issues, nervousness, and confusion about identity, place, and time especially. So I guess I'm back to rolling whenever it seems like he needs to take one to see if there's a side effect. It'll probably just be blurred vision and spaciness and maybe an upset stomach  more often than nervousness and confusion though. It's one of the better medicines Jackie could have prescribed for Tad. There is hope.

He won't be going back to see Jackie for therapy, though. Maybe he'll try someone else. But right now? He still thinks Buttons is the best therapist he's ever had. And that's not a compliment to Buttons.

It's not so much that Jackie was challenging what he was saying. Tad isn't very concerned with being correct. It's two specific things: The tone in which he noted Tessa was his friend made Tad think Jackie wouldn't have Tad's best interests in mind while treating him. And the fact that Tad mentioned the most recent of the three most traumatic events in his life - the one that kicked off this recent bout of insomnia and parasomnias. - and he was automatically dismissed. Abruptly. And sent off into the world. Tad's not smart about a lot of things, but even he knows that's shitty. Did Jackie feel threatened because Tad had been mildly combative and then mentioned that anger had set him off (leaving out so many details of the panic in that patricide)? Or maybe he just realized that this one was maybe a bit more serious than he previously thought. Regardless of the reason, Tad felt like he'd been blindsided by the brush off.

Tad is having trouble thinking of himself as a stalker. His talk with Saini about EJ's stalker(s) just put that in his head yesterday and he mentioned it in therapy today. Prior to yesterday, he was just scared by his own texts, not attributing it to stalking. But he'll deal with that if he determines his behavior counts as actual stalking. Though...I think it's better for both Tad and Tessa if he decides he HASN'T been. If he thinks he's already a stalker, there will be nothing to keep him from stalking.

As for his panic attack when he saw Tessa and then was surrounded by Twinkles and mimes and didn't know how to escape? This wasn't Tad's first panic attack, and it was fairly mild. I'm still not sure how a full-blown panic attack around Tessa will look. Tad generally fights when he panics and it doesn't go well for those around him. But today he froze and then ran. Twice. I'm sure we'll have a chance to see it happen again at closer range in the future.