Light-Hearted

Today was a mix of really good and really bad for Tad. 

No Ken. Tad is starting to feel like he's being manipulated more than he previously was. He's aware that this is what friendship normally feels like, but actual friendship with Ken is dangerous in Tad's current state. Because Ken can use it as a tool to do what he wants with Tad. It's, perhaps, about time for whatever is happening with Ken to stop. No more rebellion. No more breaking. For now. 

Lolly. Though it was perhaps awkward for two people who are clearly not light-hearted to attempt a light-hearted hang-out, it did Tad good to have someone help steer him AWAY from the topics that are keeping him so emotional. He found out a little about Lolly, though it was less about what she said and more about how she said it. It's almost like she was coaching him to have a normal interaction. Also, she seemed to be trying to get information about how Tad feels about Ken. He's more than happy to share that there isn't any actual trust there since he's already shared that with Ken. Also, he knows that Joshua is one of her bosses. So he wasn't completely sure the whole hangout wasn't specifically TO get information about his relationship with Ken. Lolly has asked if she can wish him good morning and goodnight via text. He granted that permission, though he is worried about it because he doesn't know if she's just clarifying any potential boundaries or if she's feeling him out for the potential boss label.

Lolly is harder for Tad to understand than anyone, aside from maybe Tessa (who baffles him, if I'm being honest). He has an easier time with insight when people are like someone he knows rather than like him. She definitely has her differences, but the similarities crawl up his spine and give him goosebumps.

No Saini. Saini and Tad are likely to be awkward next time they see each other. The most that they cuddled was one of them leaning on the other's shoulder while they watched the movie, but it's the most physically intimate they've been with each other for an extended amount of time. And they were both very aware that more could have happened. Tad would tense up sometimes. Saini would pull away, presumably at the times she was tempted to try to take things further. She is, after all, in a relationship.

No Jo. She just never contacted Tad. He tried calling her once, potentially too early in the day. She never called back. Upon seeing Ember's name in the Lemon List he 1) saved it to his phone and 2) called from an unknown number and adjusted his voice to find out if she was out of prison (because that would mean Jo is) and still alive (because no Jo for awhile if Ember is hurt again). He briefly considered calling up Ember on his own phone and asking to hang out with her. He didn't. That seemed like too bold of a way to cross that boundary. At least the call from the unknown number gave him some anonymity. So he wouldn't be caught crossing the boundary. Both his own (anonymity) and the one he assumes Jo would have (Ember).

This isn't the first time Tad has hidden who he is completely from someone he's contacted. But it's the first time he wouldn't be willing to tell anyone about it.

Ember is a major problem for him. The only way she'll stop making sure Jo isn't available for him is if she's dead or they break up, both of which would take Jo out of commission for awhile. He must keep them together and keep them alive. He's just not sure how to do it without meddling where he shouldn't.

He told Smiley to stay away from Ember. He's making sure he's very adamant that Ember is off limits and he's informing people who should know (Tessa in the note he had Sneaky deliver when he could still consistently remember them, and Jo, of course). Why? Because that means both Ken and Ember are being told not to contact each other. Which means they'll want to contact each other even more. That's the kind of people they are. Tad knows this because it's the kind of person he is.

Jo left Tad when he started hanging out with Smiley. Maybe she'll leave Ember for the same reason. And if he stops contacting Smiley, he'll have Jo back. 

This isn't even a plan Tad realizes he's made. If he realized it, he'd stop it. It's irrational and possessive in a way he would be really uncomfortable with. It's downright emotional. It's dangerous. But, also, it seems like it might have been inevitable even if he hadn't stirred it a little. Ken is interested. So is Ember. Even without people telling them No.

Tad has a new masked outfit he calls Bertha. Because the mask is of a severed pig-head. He's shown too many people Socks now. He hasn't done anything nefarious in the pig mask. At least not yet. But he needs a way to hide when he's made himself too exposed, like his call with Jo last night. Eventually, he'll buy a new vehicle for his pig fit that he'll only use with it. For now, he's trying just to use the Manchez when he's in it. 

Tad would like to laugh more. He's trying to figure out what he finds funny that ISN'T unintentionally hurting his friends, which he laughs at, but doesn't actually find funny. It's an uncomfortable laughter. He wants to find the comfortable stuff.