June 10th, 2025

Signed in briefly this morning to finish Tad's new notes so he can sleep on them for a bit. He was bleeding with a broken leg. I was able to get him to stop bleeding, so I didn't have to take him to the hospital. I'll have to handle that this afternoon though.

Here are the directives written for last night's conversation:

Delete:
All previous directives from current handler. Treat as firm advice instead of directives.
Hide emotions.

Established trigger code:
"Would you kindly" must proceed any directive from handler. Any commands made without new trigger code should not be treated as directives. Any commands made without new trigger codes are suggestions weapon may or may not follow.

Weapon note:
Handler is clearly uncomfortable with her position. It should remain the goal of the weapon to work on establishing its own free will without said directive.

Start by not referring to self as "it" or "weapon".

Previous directive changes still in place:
Stay close to handler reinterpreted. Stay aware of handler.
   Handler will find you if you're required for something.

Previous directives still in place:
Wait for directives. Take directives only from handler.
Act immediately on hurt or kill commands.
For other directives, there must be sleep to process or change directive in order to avoid harming weapon.
No commands to hurt handler may be followed unless trigger words for that condition are stated by handler. This may break conditioning.
Only speak about conditioning with handler.
Non-violent directives processed via writing. Process silently.  Never read aloud. Do not keep on person.

Broken Directives:
Read all written communication out loud if not from handler or proxy. 
Keep no secrets from handler.

Additional notes from Tad:
For the first time in my life, I feel like more than just a tool for someone to use and throw away. Despite my guilt that I somehow assigned someone who is clearly morally conflicted about the power they now have over me to be my handler, there is also relief that she is morally conflicted. She feels like a gift I gave myself. It's the first time I haven't wanted to destroy my handler.

Notes from Fin (not in the notebook):
Tad is having very conflicting emotions. He feels so bad about putting Tessa through this. But he also feels like he can trust her with it. He trusts Saini and Jojo with information about himself, but he has doubts that they could handle being in control of an entire person in this way. Tessa is having trouble right now. She is morally conflicted about her situation. She understands the gravity of it. Tad currently has an issue taking agency for actions that were programmed into him. He will absolutely take the blame for anything he does wrong, regardless if it was an order or not. But, at the moment, he's not entirely in control of everything. So the weight of the idea that she may inadvertently give him an order that he has no choice but to act on is possibly a bit too heavy for her to bear at the moment.

Rightfully so. She proved her humanity to Tad last night.

That's my interpretation of her reaction on the phone last night. I could be wrong. She could be planning to use him as a weapon as much as possible for all I know. Evil laughing in her evil lair or something. Rubbing her hands together with glee.

Tad has resigned himself to the fact that he and Tessa will not be friends. Especially now. Any contact she initiates with him will be out of some sort of obligation because of her new status over him, not because she wants anything to do with him. Even if it's not, he will think it is. He is profoundly sad about that. He will need to figure out how to talk about it in therapy without mentioning the new power imbalance.

But he also wasn't lying to her last night. I haven't rolled for obsessions or compulsions specific to her since the call last week where he finally recognized what the "relationship" he felt he had with her actually was. I'm not going to restart those UNLESS something happens in RP that makes it make sense to roll again. Who knows? He could actually fall in puppy love with her or something. Now that he's feeling emotions. But I doubt that particular emotion would be turned onto Tessa unless she encourages it with similar energy. Don't doom. 

His only morning rolls since she called the first time have been whether or not he has nightmares and his normal compulsion rolls. That's it. Starting today, he'll be rolling his sleep rolls again. Repressing his emotions only has one advantage: He can sleep with no issues. The nightmares? Well, he wasn't properly repressing his emotions yet. There was some residual stuff lingering. But now he gets to feel again! Yay! Congrats, Jojo! He'll need your services again! And now you might actually be able to help him fix a few things. Obviously, he'll never be "fine."