He's fine!

I know y'all have heard this before, but Tad's fine!

Only really this time. He's working on being fine. He's figuring out how to sort through his shit. He's not under Smiley's control. What's going on with the memories?

Tad has a bunch of memories locked up in his noggin when he's wide awake. Most of them are good to leave locked up for now, just letting out little bits at a time. He's trying to protect himself from memory flooding. But some of them are not good to have locked up. Like entire people and situations he still needs to be aware of. 

When he's sleepy or has a head injury, he remembers way more. In fact, this guy remembers everything, including horrific things he did under his grandmother's orders that she made him forget. Not murder. She used his father for that. The way he is coping is to appear unrecognizable, hide behind a new mask and a new voice and a new vehicle, and give into certain compulsions that he knows are bad ideas, but they somehow help (checking up on Ember, and for the first time since Sneaky took him there, visiting Tessa's tree). 

Bertha is not an alter. It's not even "Sleep Me." Tad is not splitting, though it may seem like it to outside observers. He's simply moving back and forth between remembering and not remembering. That's it. He is memory flooding due to breaking the lock his grandmother put on his brain.

Also, he is currently actively avoiding seeing Kenneth in person if he can help it. But he's also trying not to pull away so quickly that Kenneth might think something is going on. Tad has noticed that he's been more blatantly violent toward locals around other people. He doesn't like that. He also knows he's way more susceptible right now, even with his grandma's failsafes maybe still in place. So, like, why take the chance unless he needs more help with something?

The easy answer is that Ken feels like a friend. But Tad is too insightful and paranoid to believe that. He's either assuming that he's being manipulated by false friendship and right, or he's wrong and doesn't trust that an actual friend is a friend. One of those things is safer to believe right now. He'll make new friends that are less open about their murders if they even have any under their belts. 

I somehow don't think it'll probably be the last we see of Smiley though. He's invested way too much time and energy into Tad to let him go now.

And yes I said I wasn't going to sign in and then I signed in but plans change, okay. I was disappointed that they changed. It's fine. I'M FINE TOO. :) I just rescheduled is all.