Getting Better?

I don't know how to please myself.

I was disappointed that Tad's mental health devolved from lack of sleep so quickly. But now it's also resolving quickly. I'll figure out how to balance the swings better eventually.

In one way his sleep resolving is bad because that means Tad is less likely to be outright threatening to Tessa again and I sort of thought that was fun. But in another way, that's good because it means I can stop rolling dice and just make decisions for Tad. Many of the dice rolls were because he was unstable and I needed to know the severity.  But at this moment, he's mostly stable.

He's been sleeping, writing (because it's Tad), reaching out to a couple people who aren't Tessa, and taking very short walks from his container. And it's been working. He's sleeping. It's ordered sleep for the most part. At least not disordered in a way that would create issues with other people. Sleeping 19 hours in a row is not normal, for sure.

He hasn't sent another text. He tried calling once yesterday but hung up before it probably even rang on her end.

Tad is no longer split. But he knows he still needs to talk to Jackie Leggs or Pixie Tarantino. He also feels like he needs to apologize to Tessa. And he's still anxious, so that's unlikely to go well. That anxiety spiral he has pointed at Tessa is still happening, but it's no longer disrupting his sleep.

Other things he wants to get therapized about: Dealing with grief and guilt. He's having trouble processing his emotions. But more than that, the poor guy wants to understand what's happening to him outside of the explanations he overheard doctors telling his grandma when he was a kid. He wants to understand why he ended up the way he did and what he can do to help himself heal. And he wants the nightmares to go away. He needs to talk about what he did. In the end, that's what he's been trying to do with Tessa. But trauma dumping on a stranger is only cool if you're paying them to listen.

Tad is doing a lot of trying to convince himself to not think about things. He's been doing that his entire life. Intentionally not thinking about things never works. It's pretty near impossible.  Don't think about purple elephants.