Friends and Resentment

It's very hard for Tad to connect with people. Here's his list of people who he's felt an actual connection with since he got to Los Santos:

Saini - Became a very good friend. Sometimes there are awkward goodbyes. Tad recognizes that Saini wants to be physically affectionate with him. But he can't initiate anything like that at the moment. He needs to be sure it's not romantic in nature. He needs a friend. He doesn't need to feel like he's the other man. Saini goes to sleep soon after he wakes up. As do their other friends who Tad is friendly with. 

Tessa - Became a cautious friend, then very much not a friend. Current power imbalance plus her distrust and fear of him makes this not viable at the moment. Tad is hopeful. Even without the handler thing, Tad feels the most affinity with Tessa of anyone he's met. But he understands the underlying issues and knows that the friendship can only blossom from her end. It is her discomfort that currently makes the friendship impossible. He has no control over her thoughts and feelings about him. Heck, he only even has partial control of himself. He keeps saying to her that he needs to heal first. But he's lying as a defense mechanism. He just needs her to allow the friendship to happen. He is aware that she may never. And this makes him sad. It's why he cried that whole day even though he couldn't articulate it.

Those feelings, however, have been tempered by some resentment. It's very hard for Tad to take advice about who he should be friends with from someone who is actively trying not to be his friend. And since she removed the directives she made, that's all it is. Advice about friendship from someone unwilling to be a friend.

Johanna - A friend, but another power imbalance as she's also his therapist. He cannot hang on her. He already feels guilty that he's taken up so much of her time with his problems. He feels like he needs to leave her alone more when he's having a bad time, which is likely the wrong move for obvious reasons. If he thinks of anyone in Los Santos as the mom he never had, it's Jojo.

Sneaky - A "friend." Tad is aware that they are not friends. Because of circumstances. But like with Tessa, Tad is aware that Sneaky and himself have more similarities than they've discovered. Unlike with Tessa, Tad is more wary of these similarities. He understands that Sneaky is only keeping him "close" in order to keep his potential enemy close.  Tad is a mission to Sneaky. An assignment. Not a friend.

Yuri/Joel - A new best friend! Tad thinks Yuri is ridiculous (because he is). Talking with and flirting with Yuri makes Tad feel like himself a little. If you want to see how Tad was with people in Iowa, look no farther than the couple times he's talked with Yuri. There's suspicion there and he doesn't know Yuri as much as he knew people back home. He doesn't think they can be friends. Tessa clued him in that Yuri is a mime. Also, Tad sort of remembers his name from soon after he arrived in the city. From Twatter posts. About drowning fish. Tad will have some fun with Yuri, but he's pretty sure he'll eventually have to kill him. 

Ken - This is the most difficult relationship for Tad to traverse. Ken definitely reminds him of a combination of his grandmother and his father. He feels familiar in a way that Tad knows is probably bad. He might let his guard down. He is very aware that Ken is dangerous. He doesn't need Tessa or Jo to tell him so. But he also knows that he is incapable of being brainwashed by Ken. That doesn't mean he can't be led astray, just that there are a lot of fail safes in his brain that makes overriding his grandma's work impossible. What might happen instead if Ken tries? Ken could hurt Tad badly. Potentially kill him. Ken could also trigger Tad to kill Ken. Or Ken's loved ones. Without even meaning to. The best outcome of this friendship is that they become friends. And that's it. Tad will likely not be able to change Ken to be more agreeable to the people worrying about this budding friendship. Ken will likely not be able to change Tad in the way he might want to. But the roleplay will be fun.

If it were just Jo warning Tad to stay away from Smiley, he might fight the draw of the obvious kinship there. But remember how I said he's resenting Tessa a bit right now? The fact that she doesn't want him to be friends with Ken makes him want to be friends with Ken even more. There's only so much life advice someone can talk from a person who wants nothing to do with your life. Tad definitely noticed that she didn't want to know anything about him or his family on the phone the other night. She just wanted to know how to deal with this new responsibility she didn't ask for. She was right when she said she's only talking to Tad for her own self-interest. Even her interest in keeping him safe is to protect herself from the guilt she'd feel if anything happened to him because of actions she took. 

Tad feels bad for her there. It's a shame she can't open up to her friends without them taking it into their own hands to try to "fix" her problem for her. The only reason none of them have made it worse for her (aside from maybe Joshua giving Ken his contact info) is because Tad cannot act in retaliation against her or anyone currently acting as her agent (which is something he didn't mention to her on purpose) unless she gives an order for him to. It's not in his programming. Sneaky and Twinkles could have really messed him up under the treehouse and Tad would have just taken it. But she wouldn't have liked that.

A weapon broken or malfunctioning due to directives is to return to the handler for repair. This directive hasn't come up in the notebook because he hasn't successfully broken it yet. When he does, he'll automatically write it down. It is hindering Tad's healing. This is what is giving him mood swings and making him hallucinate even when he's had decent sleep. He is trying to break it like he broke the one about remaining near his handler. He is definitely malfunctioning. He has since his dad died. Every day, he has to fight this directive because every day he is still malfunctioning. Most days he succeeds. The other days? He contacts Tessa. 

After the way she reacted on the phone when she found out she'd been assigned and found out some of his directives and that he can break them if he's willing to break himself a little, he's unlikely to volunteer any more directives to her or tell her about his process of breaking them unless she specifically asks. He has been taking some steps to figure out how to deprogram himself completely. It probably won't go well 100% of the time. The dice don't like that.

I didn't roleplay much tonight. I had IRL plans and signed in for a bit after. You can see most of what I was up to in TheCarbie's VOD. And there are probably a few texts in NateKarama's VOD, though I don't know if Sneaky checked for the last texts or not. All my video would be is texting them, mostly, so I won't bother. Maybe I'll review in tomorrow's recording. I would normally edit this post, but I'm sleepy. If anything doesn't make sense, blame that.