I know y'all have heard this before, but Tad's fine!

Only really this time. He's working on being fine. He's figuring out how to sort through his shit. He's not under Smiley's control. What's going on with the memories?

Tad has a bunch of memories locked up in his noggin when he's wide awake. Most of them are good to leave locked up for now, just letting out little bits at a time. He's trying to protect himself from memory flooding. But some of them are not good to have locked up. Like entire people and situations he still needs to be aware of. 

When he's sleepy or has a head injury, he remembers way more. In fact, this guy remembers everything, including horrific things he did under his grandmother's orders that she made him forget. Not murder. She used his father for that. The way he is coping is to appear unrecognizable, hide behind a new mask and a new voice and a new vehicle, and give into certain compulsions that he knows are bad ideas, but they somehow help (checking up on Ember, and for the first time since Sneaky took him there, visiting Tessa's tree). 

Bertha is not an alter. It's not even "Sleep Me." Tad is not splitting, though it may seem like it to outside observers. He's simply moving back and forth between remembering and not remembering. That's it. He is memory flooding due to breaking the lock his grandmother put on his brain.

Also, he is currently actively avoiding seeing Kenneth in person if he can help it. But he's also trying not to pull away so quickly that Kenneth might think something is going on. Tad has noticed that he's been more blatantly violent toward locals around other people. He doesn't like that. He also knows he's way more susceptible right now, even with his grandma's failsafes maybe still in place. So, like, why take the chance unless he needs more help with something?

The easy answer is that Ken feels like a friend. But Tad is too insightful and paranoid to believe that. He's either assuming that he's being manipulated by false friendship and right, or he's wrong and doesn't trust that an actual friend is a friend. One of those things is safer to believe right now. He'll make new friends that are less open about their murders if they even have any under their belts. 

I somehow don't think it'll probably be the last we see of Smiley though. He's invested way too much time and energy into Tad to let him go now.

And yes I said I wasn't going to sign in and then I signed in but plans change, okay. I was disappointed that they changed. It's fine. I'M FINE TOO. :) I just rescheduled is all.

Today Tad met Fae (sp?) while doing sani with Saini, learned all about the Tuner Shop with Ethan (and briefly met Hugh). He started off the day feeling pretty physically crappy and confused about what happened the night before. But by the end of the run, he was just sleepy. Which mostly meant I was hungry. So I went away and made some food.

He woke up to tow, hoping that maybe Jo would be around. AND SHE WAS.

But.

I don't know that therapy went very well for him today. He's been through a lot in the past 2.5 weeks. He's barely told her any of it. He spent the whole session wondering what he should be talking about (not the deal with Saini as he doesn't actually feel conflicted or confused about that since he already talked about it with Saini) and if she actually had the context for what he mentioned (have they actually had an in-depth conversation about what kinds of directives he needs to break and how that may essentially turn him into a different person...similar to brainwashing?). It felt like a first therapy session all over again. He trusts Jo, for the most part. He questions her judgment in her private life, but he believes she has good intentions and understands some of his problems well. But he almost wishes he wouldn't have mentioned the new outfit he found in his closet recently. Because she seemed to get hung up on Smiley.

What he really needs help with right now is compulsions. There are two sorts of compulsions he's dealing with. First, the compulsions to do things: run his circuit, run tow, call or text Jo, contact Ken, call Ember from an unknown number to try to make sure she's not doing anything bad (which he currently can't remember he's done, despite not being in the pig outfit the time he actually got through). Then there are the compulsions not to do things, which are worse. Don't even look at your texts with CR or Sneaky to potentially remind yourself or something awful will happen. Don't advertise your new probationary position at a mechanic shop on the Lemon List or something bad will happen. Don't order food from someone you haven't ordered food from before or you'll probably die. 

But. They barely talked about those today. Because Tad was all over the place trying to catch her up to speed. 

The outfit has nothing to do with the Smiley's, by the way. It's all Tad trying to work some shit out during the times he remembers and is lucid. But she is right that it would work for the Smiley's. It's a bit of a misdirect on my part. But her reaction...successfully made Tad believe he's been brainwashed by Ken. At least tonight. He has not been. How do I know? Because mrwest16 and I would be discussing that it's happening in our DM's. Including how well it works. 

I had Tad go to sleep right after. I think I'm going to have to make a couple rolls when I wake him up next (possibly tomorrow, but more likely Tuesday). One roll will be for whether or not he believes he's been brainwashed. If the answer is yes, he needs to roll for whether or not he confronts Ken with that accusation, as Tad and Ken have had several conversations about when Ken would even consider doing that (Tad would have to ask). But maybe Tad just doesn't remember asking. 

All this, of course, could mean nothing. Ken appears to be trying to be friends with Tad. Which could be real or could be manipulation. Tad assumes manipulation already. If Ken weren't a psychopath who doesn't care one way or another whether or not Tad thinks the friendship is real, I might actually feel bad for him.

And since some of y'all probably only care about Tessa: Ken and Tad have talked about her. Ken does not appear to be interested in contacting her or messing with her at the moment. He's moved on. Tad still feels more loyalty to Tessa than anyone else, which is complicated by the fact that he normally can't remember who the heck she is. The loyalty he feels for her is two-fold. He was already loyal when they were just penpals. He recognized her as a kindred spirit outside of his programming. Like what he is inside is similar to what she is inside. And though, on the outside, she does not have the patience to deal with him at the moment (or potentially ever) she is still a kindred spirit. That doesn't change. The loyalty was challenged when he discovered and divulged to her that she was his handler. She chose not to use that power over him. 

Tad will not hurt Tessa unless it's in self defense. Tad will actively watch out for the people he knows Tessa cares about and warn them if he sees danger coming their way (and he can actually remember). There is no doubt in my mind that Tad's head injuries and blackout last night were intentional. He needed to be able to warn Sneaky. But he had to remember him first.

I'm surprised he actually lived after some of the jumps I had him take. I'm glad he did. Made it so much easier that he never had to go to the hospital for them.

Just wish I would have recorded them. Sorry about that. I also tried to stream something today and OBS wouldn't connect to my Twitch again, so I need to figure that out. I hate technology. Just give me two sticks to rub together over some dry grass instead. Today's videos will be combined into one and posted probably tomorrow evening (my time?). Depends on when I get the final video started on upload. I haven't decided if I'm going to try to catch the Twitter-anticipated Chatterbox (ft Ray Mond) opener or not tomorrow. I just don't know what's going on in his streams anymore other than mimes and ICU. Heh. I'll probably skip it since I'll be at work anyway. Hope y'all enjoy and your favorite character, [insert name here], isn't dead forever!

Today was kind of a long day for me. Tad was awake a lot longer than it felt like he was.

Saini and Tad talked about the other night when they platonic-Netflixed-and-chilled. Both agreed that something probably would have happened if Tad hadn't stopped it. They don't have feelings for each other, but they've both been very open with physical intimacy in the past and it's very easy to fall into with comfortable people. Tad is currently in an adjustment period and Saini is in a relationship. So the temptation is not a great thing for either of them. But Saini is especially going through it.

Tad was trying to stay away from Ken. But he also wanted Ken to want him around. And he ran into Ken and Ursula and Emi (whom he doesn't know) at Liquid Library when he decided to go get a tarot reading like Saini got the other day. He gave Ken a book of phone numbers he found and then went right to sleep because MY MICROPHONE STATIC I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S CAUSING IT, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT BE HANDBRAKE (the program) FINISHING A JOB. No idea though. It's possible I just need to restart my system more often. When Tad reawoke (and I forgot to open OBS and hit record), Reina Vergara wasn't at Liquid Library anymore, which makes sense because Tad wrote on a notepad that he'd try another day when his voice was so messed up. Plus, it seemed like Saini wanted to be there for it. He got confirmation that his voice was fine from Ken and Ursula and overheard something about "bring Sneaky". He stashed his motorcycle and snuck back to hear a bit more. Took him a bit to find them, but he overheard enough to immediately forget it upon slinking away. Because it was about Sneaky. And his memory doesn't currently like remembering Sneaky.

A lot of texts back and forth with Ken, mostly about Tad's hangout with Lolly yesterday. Tad ran a circuit and proceeded to crash headfirst THREE times. Each time he rolled under a 5 with the last roll being a 1.

I remembered to hit record right before Bertha got taken hostage by Ray Romanov's crew. I knew who it was, but Tad definitely didn't. I successfully creeped them out, which was fun. Luckily, Ray seems to have mellowed out or I think Tad would have had another head trauma to deal with in the shape of a bullet. May have been different if Tad would have insulted him. 

Actual Meta: Bertha was not heading to meet Smiley. He just wanted to see if the name held weight with everyone. It didn't. Ursula did though.

Bertha is not an alt. Tad feels very exposed when he's going through memory flooding, which the head trauma caused. Not only the memories about the clowns and Tessa, but memories his grandma worked really hard to make him forget. Bertha is just his way to feel less like Tad at those times. But he's still definitely Tad. The memories will fade again. 

Bertha then went and tried to call Ember. Ember was being a phone guy though. Line busy. He texted Sneaky a warning about the potential kidnapping. He didn't give all the details, but didn't want to send a wall of text about a situation where the actual plans might change, so he just gave enough to keep Sneaky on his toes. Tad doesn't particularly care about Sneaky. But he does like Sneaky well-enough. And he cares about Tessa. And Tessa cares about Sneaky. That's enough for him.

Being able to toss Ursula's name in there was a joy for him. Tossing Smiley in the text, though, was just Tad trying to prove to himself that Ken wasn't getting to him. He sort of regretted mentioning either of their names afterwords. If only because he's worried that a clown may take one of them out and become a target for the other. Ken and Ursula will 100% seek revenge for each other. He absolutely does not regret warning Sneaky though.

No Tessa texts tonight despite Tad sleeping while concussed because he rolled a 17 and that was high enough to keep him asleep and alive through the night.

Today was a mix of really good and really bad for Tad. 

No Ken. Tad is starting to feel like he's being manipulated more than he previously was. He's aware that this is what friendship normally feels like, but actual friendship with Ken is dangerous in Tad's current state. Because Ken can use it as a tool to do what he wants with Tad. It's, perhaps, about time for whatever is happening with Ken to stop. No more rebellion. No more breaking. For now. 

Lolly. Though it was perhaps awkward for two people who are clearly not light-hearted to attempt a light-hearted hang-out, it did Tad good to have someone help steer him AWAY from the topics that are keeping him so emotional. He found out a little about Lolly, though it was less about what she said and more about how she said it. It's almost like she was coaching him to have a normal interaction. Also, she seemed to be trying to get information about how Tad feels about Ken. He's more than happy to share that there isn't any actual trust there since he's already shared that with Ken. Also, he knows that Joshua is one of her bosses. So he wasn't completely sure the whole hangout wasn't specifically TO get information about his relationship with Ken. Lolly has asked if she can wish him good morning and goodnight via text. He granted that permission, though he is worried about it because he doesn't know if she's just clarifying any potential boundaries or if she's feeling him out for the potential boss label.

Lolly is harder for Tad to understand than anyone, aside from maybe Tessa (who baffles him, if I'm being honest). He has an easier time with insight when people are like someone he knows rather than like him. She definitely has her differences, but the similarities crawl up his spine and give him goosebumps.

No Saini. Saini and Tad are likely to be awkward next time they see each other. The most that they cuddled was one of them leaning on the other's shoulder while they watched the movie, but it's the most physically intimate they've been with each other for an extended amount of time. And they were both very aware that more could have happened. Tad would tense up sometimes. Saini would pull away, presumably at the times she was tempted to try to take things further. She is, after all, in a relationship.

No Jo. She just never contacted Tad. He tried calling her once, potentially too early in the day. She never called back. Upon seeing Ember's name in the Lemon List he 1) saved it to his phone and 2) called from an unknown number and adjusted his voice to find out if she was out of prison (because that would mean Jo is) and still alive (because no Jo for awhile if Ember is hurt again). He briefly considered calling up Ember on his own phone and asking to hang out with her. He didn't. That seemed like too bold of a way to cross that boundary. At least the call from the unknown number gave him some anonymity. So he wouldn't be caught crossing the boundary. Both his own (anonymity) and the one he assumes Jo would have (Ember).

This isn't the first time Tad has hidden who he is completely from someone he's contacted. But it's the first time he wouldn't be willing to tell anyone about it.

Ember is a major problem for him. The only way she'll stop making sure Jo isn't available for him is if she's dead or they break up, both of which would take Jo out of commission for awhile. He must keep them together and keep them alive. He's just not sure how to do it without meddling where he shouldn't.

He told Smiley to stay away from Ember. He's making sure he's very adamant that Ember is off limits and he's informing people who should know (Tessa in the note he had Sneaky deliver when he could still consistently remember them, and Jo, of course). Why? Because that means both Ken and Ember are being told not to contact each other. Which means they'll want to contact each other even more. That's the kind of people they are. Tad knows this because it's the kind of person he is.

Jo left Tad when he started hanging out with Smiley. Maybe she'll leave Ember for the same reason. And if he stops contacting Smiley, he'll have Jo back. 

This isn't even a plan Tad realizes he's made. If he realized it, he'd stop it. It's irrational and possessive in a way he would be really uncomfortable with. It's downright emotional. It's dangerous. But, also, it seems like it might have been inevitable even if he hadn't stirred it a little. Ken is interested. So is Ember. Even without people telling them No.

Tad has a new masked outfit he calls Bertha. Because the mask is of a severed pig-head. He's shown too many people Socks now. He hasn't done anything nefarious in the pig mask. At least not yet. But he needs a way to hide when he's made himself too exposed, like his call with Jo last night. Eventually, he'll buy a new vehicle for his pig fit that he'll only use with it. For now, he's trying just to use the Manchez when he's in it. 

Tad would like to laugh more. He's trying to figure out what he finds funny that ISN'T unintentionally hurting his friends, which he laughs at, but doesn't actually find funny. It's an uncomfortable laughter. He wants to find the comfortable stuff.

Tad got a concussion, but not a bad one. :) It did impair him a bit when he woke up and sent his third text to Tessa within 24 hours. He was staring at her in his kitchen. He knew it wasn't really her, but it was enough to jog his memory.

What's happening there? Tad's brain is desperately trying to protect Tessa now that she's no longer a handler by making him forget. But it's having the opposite affect. It's that dang purple elephant. Don't think about the purple elephant. It's going to be the only thing you think about. And if you KNOW you can't remember something, you're going to try to even if you don't want to. Especially when you were already fixated. Is his obsession gone? No. It lessened a great deal once he found out she was his handler. When he had a reason he could use to explain away whatever connection he thought he felt. 

But now he's left with no connection whatsoever and hurt feelings. 

I can guarantee that Tad won't do anything with those hurt feelings other than feel them and be a little obsessed with both remembering and not remembering. He's not reactive in that way. He isn't going to hurt Tessa (with no provocation) no matter how much people think he's going to, including himself. Whether or not there is provocation is completely on Tessa and the other clowns.

Ken? Ken is starting to feel like a friend. A friend who is almost trying TOO hard to get Tad to trust him. Tad does not believe he's out of danger there. He's trying to closely watch what Ken is like with his other friends. Unfortunately, Tad needs to talk to process what he's feeling. It comes out with Ken. Which means if Ken wanted to force some sort of brainwashing on Tad, he could probably do it. He might already be testing how suggestible he might be a little. And Tad is noticing it. Both the testing and his own reaction. And he's finding it really hard to be his own person. It would be disingenuous to not admit he's been tempted enough a couple times to roll for it.

Saini is a familiar comfort for him. He's starting to take her for granted in the way he took Tommy for granted. She will be there. She will feel a little more for him than he feels for her. She is currently the only reason he hasn't asked Ken just to get it over with instead of dancing with the idea of brainwashing Tad. 

Jo is nearly an afterthought for Tad now. He saw her warrant when he went to the courthouse to see if there was anyone with "Thorn" in their profile. Later, she didn't answer his call and he eventually checked a newspaper and decided to go see her in prison (which didn't work out for more-than-one-clown-there reasons). He didn't expect to cry when she called and he admitted that he didn't have control. She doesn't know the extent that he doesn't have control yet. Will they actually get to talk in time for her to pull him back from the edge? We'll see. Maybe Ken won't wake up for a few days and she'll have a chance. 

Tad is fine. :)

Tad has entered his full-on teenage era when it comes to feeling. He sped right through the childhood. What does that mean?

He's far less patient at times he would have previously been patient (when he's awake). He gets frustrated when he feels like he doesn't know something (or someone) he should. He can only take so much of someone he is with giving attention to someone else. Like Ember. Or Lollylou Leillough. This jealous feeling is amplified when he feels a specific type of affinity with the person. Ken. Saini. Jo. 

Tessa. 

Today was the first time he recognized Tessa when he saw her. It's likely because he recognized Sneaky as well (for the second time today, though Tad is calling him Jason out of a little teenage spite). But then he promptly forgot her again. So like, I guess.

That incident mixed with the conversation he had with Ken and Ian about Lollylou made him very curious about CR after he crashed his bike and hit his head. So he texted CR herself. Just asking what it stands for. She actually answered and all in lowercase letters, which likely means something is wrong. Both in that she answered and in the way she typed. But Tad with his slightly scrambled brain thought it sounded believable that CR stands for "can't remember." So that's where it ended. Tad when he wakes up in the morning might have a bit more trouble with that answer, but likely won't text again to tell her she's wrong.

Tad will need to roll for a head injury tomorrow. He did not go to the hospital.

Tad's PTSD was triggered today and he couldn't stop engaging with the anonymous texter. Once he succeeded in blocking the texts, he was just very sad. He wanted to talk to Jo so much. He couldn't make himself text her. 

He's very much feeling like a burden right now. With Jo. With Saini. Even with Ken. 

At least he didn't recognize Tessa again.

Tad saw Tessa today. She wasn't doing anything particularly cool. Just standing at the apartments with Mama.

He saw her face at a distance and just barely heard her voice. No recognition. Just someone he didn't know already in a conversation. 

He's still struggling with little blips of remembering mixed with immediately forgetting again. Saini called him, concerned because Jo was talking to Tessa at the hospital. His immediate response was "Well they're both clowns" followed by confusion over who they were talking about and why it mattered who Jo was talking to.

I refuse to admit that was just me forgetting that he'd forgotten and confused why Saini didn't already know Jo and Tessa know each other. Totally just his broken brain. I think I played it off okay. But I'm going to have to remember the little blips of remembering. At this point, those aren't a sign that he's going to remember. They're just a sign that my own brain is full and I can't remember all the rules I've made up all the time. :D That might change eventually.

He did some hanging out with Saini. He talked to Jo on the phone.

I don't feel sick anymore, but I'm so tired, so after delivering 5 or 6 Mosley's deliveries, I put him to bed.

Just spent an hour trying to figure out how to change the font color to white on the page to post a comment. It's black on black. Then tried to figure out how to change the background color of the blog to anything other than black or white. It's not working, folks. It's whatever theme I chose for my main page not having a lot of options for the blog. I'm not choosing another theme or futzing with the html at the moment because it would be a redesign of the entire site and there's no need for that. So light mode it is.

Evil, I know.

Roleplay was tough today. I didn't think I was going to get on. Then I got home from touching grass and I got on. Ran sanitation with Saini. Listened to her essentially say that the cops thinks she is possibly being targeted by 3Pas for some unknown reason related to Princess Elena and she should absolutely stay away from Ursula as well. Tad is a smidge angry about it, but won't act on unconfirmed info (or possibly even confirmed info). 

Was on for about an hour.

Hopped off for awhile and got back on again for approximately 10 minutes a couple hours later. Seriously. I had no idea what to do. The only person who was awake that Tad normally interacts with is Jo, who appears to be actively avoiding him (she's got her own trauma to process right now), and I just couldn't get myself to tow or do Mosley's or even, god forbid, run sanitation by myself. Didn't want to deal with being taken hostage. Kept crashing Tad's bike. I just don't think FIN was in the right frame of mind to roleplay today. Or use hand-eye coordination. Which is fine. Happens sometimes. I had plenty of socialization with friends outside of my apartment today and I also drove an actual car in actual Los Angeles, which is always fun. It's possible I was just done for a bit. 

I'm unlikely to post the video. That's meta that will stay under wraps as I'm pretty sure AmAwkward stopped their stream by then as well. BUT, you can see the actual events Saini told Tad about by watching their VOD here.

Yesterday's huge video should be on youtube soon, if it's not already. It's taken all day to upload. :) It's somewhere around 5 hours long, I think? I cut several hours out. It didn't feel like I was playing that long yesterday, but I guess I was.

Eventually I'm going to figure out what's up with my internet/OBS/Twitch and just start streaming stuff. I say eventually, but it probably won't be soon. I've been saying "eventually" since January.