Tad is trying to be normal. Not quite working. He's been considering finding a new therapist. It's making him sad. He thinks Jo has already helped him a great deal, which is something no therapist has done for him yet.

He tells Saini about himself as a way to sort of chronicle things. She helps a little. He needs someone who cares to know. But she's not a therapist.

Lately his talks with Ken have taken over for therapy. And as much as he can talk to Kenneth about his past, he has a lot of trouble talking to him about his present. His OCD is driving him batty. Some of his more pleasant emotions are starting to manifest in difficult and uncontrollable ways. And he doesn't know what to do about his broken circuit or the increased local bloodlust. He killed in front of other people while he was NOT having a breakdown for the first time today. And they were probably some of the worst people who could have witnessed that. 

If Mr. Smiley successfully recruits Tad, Tad isn't who I thought he was when I started playing him. That's both intriguing and frustrating. Especially since it's unclear when the recruitment is over. He might already be there.

Tomorrow, I will probably check in, but I'm unlikely to play for long enough to actually RP unless it's on Johnson. I have something happening in the middle of the afternoon, assuming I feel well enough to go. I wanna see my friends. So I might just mask up even if I'm still feeling off. 

Aside from sending a few texts, Tad kept to himself in his apartment today. He's playing a game. He can't believe he finds a garbage can hot. Tad's type: Toxic trash.

He's determined to fix him.

Some damage is settling into Tad's brain after sleeping last night. The most noticeable and concerning is what he has forgotten. Or who. 

His only memory of Sneaky is giving him money outside the food court one day. He didn't know his name then. He was skele-clown.

He remembers Twinkles, in that he's seen Twinkles around quite a bit. He doesn't remember why he would have had cause to save Twinkles in his phone.

He remembers who Chatterbox is. He remembers giving him the 2-across. He doesn't remember the threats. He called a number advertising CHATTERBOX FUNHOUSE today from a pay phone, recognized the voice on the other end, pretended he was dying as he hung up, and made sure he was labeled as Chatterbox in his phone. Tad has no idea why this matters. It was a compulsion.

He remembers he has a handler. He does not remember her name. If someone says her name, he will find it familiar and may even connect her to his handler if he thinks about it long enough. He doesn't know what she looks like. He doesn't remember any of their conversations. He doesn't know who CR is in his phone. The only thing that he will remember of her is her voice. He'll know she was his handler. He'll know she know longer is. He may not think she needs that information from him unless she asks for it. Currently though? He's just paranoid that anyone he sees could be his handler about to make an order.

The only clown he really remembers interacting with is Kirk. Because he was looking for his mom. 

Right now, he thinks Sneaky was acting as a messenger. Because that's what Sneaky said back in text. But Tad knows he's trying to break down his directives. He knows that there is damage that comes from that. He's currently scared to try to jog any memories of things he's clearly forgotten in case that might break him more. 

The next time he meets Tessa, it will be his first time meeting her. But it'll be like she's speaking with the stolen voice of someone he can't quite remember. 

He's also hallucinating a lot more. He's spent his life hallucinating though. And they're not traumatic hallucinations like seeing his dad or grandma or Lucas or Doe or Bertha. Not at the moment. They're fairly easy for him to ignore. There's also the not feeling pain.

What's left of this arc? Tad still has some work to do. He's undoing an entire life, not just a few weeks of brainwashing. He's ultra focused on breaking the handler connection right now, but there are directives all the way down. He has to examine every part of him to figure out what occurred in him naturally and what was put there by someone else.

Directive changes:
No commands to hurt handler may be followed. Period. Not even if she asks. This directive is to be re-enforced every day until it is no longer a concern or until deprogramming is otherwise complete.

He can't tell Tessa that he's actively working to protect her still. In case it doesn't work. He doesn't want her thinking she's safe around him if he can't guarantee that. 

At this point, Sleep Tad is the only one coming out. When he speaks with a drawl, it's because he means to OR because it's very easy to do since he has been doing it his whole life. Truthfully? This is just Tad. It's not an id. It's not nature. It's nothing like that. Sleep Tad is Tad. Period. Awake Tad is Tad with a mask on...to borrow from Mr. Smiley. This willingness to be himself is a sign that he's being fixed. Eventually, everything will merge. He'll gain some memories that have been taken from him. He'll probably keep the drawl, if only because I like to differentiate how I actually speak from a messed up character I play on a video game roleplaying server.

Tad's moods are calming down rather than continuing to change at breakneck speeds. Tad still thinks of them as erratic. He's not used to being allowed to have moods. It's a lot for him. Eventually, he'll get used to it and gain control of it.

Tad is still hallucinating. He probably always will. It's a part of him now. This is damage dealt by breaking programming.

Drugs will no longer have an affect on Tad's brain. That means he won't sleep with the help of a drug. He won't mellow out. He won't hallucinate as an affect of a drug. He won't trick his brain into thinking he's not in pain (it's fine. See the next one. Totally fine.). If a drug is meant to change his brain or perception in any way, it won't work. Drugs that do other things will still work. This is technically damage. He can still gain a dependency on a drug. He can still be poisoned or overdosed. There is something wrong with his receptors now.

Including his pain receptors. He can tell when he should be in pain, but he will no longer feel it. This is dangerous. He's going to have to be more cognizant of his injuries. 

Tad's motor function is damaged, though not to the extent that his father's was. He has been distracted by his trauma. And I have been distracted by my hot keys and keep fricking left clicking for some reason lately. Breaking directives is also stressful. For both of us. 

Tad cannot remember what Tessa Lamb looks like at the moment. By assigning self-directives, he has broken the directive to take directives only from his handler. This resulted in the memory of what Tessa looks like being scrubbed from his brain. It will continue to be scrubbed. He will not recognize her by sight. Only by the sound of her voice. This damage has effectively broken two other directives: Tad will no longer be aware of Tessa when she's near (unless she speaks to him). She is also no longer assigned as his handler. Which is something Tad will not realize unless she tries to give him a directive. 

He has some work to do still. But as of waking up this morning, Tad has free will in the sense that nobody can give him directives but himself. He just needs to scrub the rest of the damage his grandma did clean. Which is likely to take a year or more. 

I feel kind of bad for his dad.

Y'all. Remember how early on I got three Nat 1's in one night? Tonight, got four Nat 20's and a 3 when rolling about directive breaks. The 3 was for whether or not he was going to realize he no longer has a handler since he no longer writes things down. The dice really want this to be over, but they really want to keep him thinking he's still tethered to Tessa. Go figure.

Weapon note:
Handler is clearly uncomfortable with her position. It should remain the goal of the TAD to work on establishing HIS own free will without said directive. Tad is actively working on unraveling directives set pre-Los-Santos. He is also learning about his options in case he is unable to do so. 

Previous directives still in place:
Stay aware of handler. This directive has been questioned. Tad would like to only be aware of handler when he would be aware of anyone else he knows by name.
Take directives only from handler. This directive has been questioned. Tad would like to only take directives from Tad.
Act immediately on hurt or kill commands. This directive has been questioned. Tad would like to choose whether or not he acts on hurt or kill commands at all.
No commands to hurt handler may be followed unless trigger words for that condition are stated by handler. This directive has been re-enforced 4 times in 4 days. 
Do not hurt agents of handler, even if they are actively hurting you. This directive has been questioned. Tad would like to attempt to protect himself from injury in these cases, even if that requires hurting an agent of handler.
Process directives silently.  Never read aloud. Do not keep on person. This directive has been questioned: Tad is attempting a directive change that will make this directive moot.
Tad must always have a handler assigned. This directive has been questioned: Tad would like to be his own handler.

Directive changes:
Non-violent directives and directive changes must still be processed via writing in order to stick. But temporary changes can be made instantly with loopholes. This directive has been questioned further. Tad would like to not write down directives at all.
Put handler's needs above Tad's needs is now take handler's needs under consideration when taking care of Tad's needs. Tad is not currently questioning this directive further.

Broken Directives:
Read all written communication out loud if not from handler or proxy. 
Keep no secrets from handler.
Hide emotions.
Only speak about conditioning with handler.
Wait for directives.
For other directives, there must be sleep to process or change directive. WARNING: Tad may be harmed. Proceed with caution.
A Tad broken or malfunctioning due to directives is to return to the handler for repair. 
Honor handler. Do not criticize handler. Do not question handler.
Do not attempt to break directives on purpose.

Self-Directive:
Do not submit to further brainwashing in order to override current directives. This will not work. Diffuse the bomb. Don't enclose it in a larger bomb.

Tad note:
I've read a little. The current sleep deprivation as a result of breaking directives should be seen in a positive light in order to minimize damage to my brain. Self-Directives, when re-enforced nightly in these cases, should have a similar affect to the original brainwashing, though they may not be strong enough to override previous directives.

I do not know if Ken realizes I am currently using him as a tool. He is intelligent enough that he might, which makes him more dangerous. At the moment, however, he does not appear to be an active threat. But he's in the planning stages. That could change any moment. I need to stay aware and not give into temptation to allow someone else to do the work.

I may have damaged any hope of future friendship with current handler. Hopefully this is worth it for both of us. I feel as if I've dragged her into my dungeon with me. I'm attempting to free both of us while keeping myself relatively intact. But I have no doubt I'm scaring her again.

Current damage assessment:
Tad is splitting again. This may or may not be temporary. Return for repair directive ignored multiple times.
Tad's moods are erratic. Potential side effect of hide emotions directive break.
Tad is hallucinating as a result of breaking directive not to break directives on purpose.
Tad is currently non-reactive to pain medication. While not a directive, he has been conditioned to react poorly to anything altering brain chemistry. This seems to be broken.
Tad is experiencing some motor function confusion. There are times when he tells his body to do one thing and it does another. There does not appear to be motor memory loss. This appears to be a trauma response and may be temporary.
Tad's ability to feel physical pain has dulled as a result of breaking the directive not to question his handler.

This is in response to the texts Sleep Tad sends at the end of the video I haven't uploaded yet. Will be there overnight tonight probably.

This is not the first time Tad's new handler has blamed him for following this directive that she doesn't even know he has. It's created an endless loop of malfunction, ask for repair, get denied repair, malfunction, ask for repair, get denied repair.

Tad is codependent by design. He is not meant to be his own person. Nobody has taught him how. We don't leave toddlers to their own devices. We allow them to get hurt, but we're there to intervene for the big stuff. He's asked for intervention for the big stuff. Was he told not to climb up onto that counter? Yes. And now he's mid-fall and the only thing there to catch him is an evil floor because nobody was watching him.

I have to figure out what this now broken directive will do to Tad. It will fundamentally change how he works in some way. 

I don't know, yet, if that change is going to end up hurting the person tasked with wielding the weapon she never wanted. I do know, though, that she won't like it. 

And neither will Tad.

This will effectively stop Tad from asking Tessa for help. It's what she wanted. But it doesn't necessarily mean that she's rid of him. She's still his handler. 

Tad was trying to ask Sneaky to stop him without asking Sneaky to stop him. Sneaky waited hours to do nothing. (I know he was busy and is going through his own stuff, but Tad knows nothing.) So he tried to ask Tessa to stop him blatantly. She refused. (I expected her refusal and so did Tad at this point. He felt like he was begging someone who had already spit in his face when he'd asked for help previously.) Jo can't help. (She's the most likely to have put herself in danger to stop Tad from continuing to talk to Kenneth.) He doesn't think Saini CAN help. (It's really him being protective of the only person other than Ken who seems to WANT to be around him.)

Sleep Tad sees Tessa's refusal to help not as her refusing to allow him to use her as a crutch, but as her not engaging her own survival instinct to maintain the bomb now in her possession. She essentially just gave him the permission to undo himself without her oversight. Whether it be exploding or imploding. This is not a fair conclusion for Tad to make. She doesn't know the rules. She doesn't know that if the wrong wire is cut first, it doesn't matter what other wires are still in place. Tad can absolutely hurt Tessa if that directive is melted into the concrete.

The only way out for Tad is through. So he'll be asking the bogeyman for help and hoping there is some humanity there. Tad is putting a lot of faith in the failsafes his grandmother programmed into him and hoping that they're the last bits to go.

He cannot truly have free will until he's free of his programming. Even the parts that are protecting him.

He has not been processing anything. It's starting to come out to Ken. No good.

Awake Tad is convinced he can handle it. Sleep Tad ain't so sure. 

This is all about Tad rebelling against an authority figure by running toward another, but his survival instinct understands that it's the wrong play and can't take control for long enough to ... well, take control.

The only thing he can think that might work if Jo isn't available? A directive. He needs someone to tell him what to do in a way he can't ignore.

Today Ken told Tad what Tad wants: Freedom. Validation. Belonging. Two of those things are correct. But Freedom is a bit too much for him right now. He didn't guess the actual answer. And Tad is unlikely to let that one slip to anyone.

Including y'all.

Goodnight!

Tad getting real messy on Father's Day. He definitely lost some of his control today. Via texts to Ken, of all things.

Don't worry. Ken's still not a stand-in for his actual father. But it was really hard for him to ignore what Ken, Tad, and Deus all have in common today.

Tad feeling some sort of way today. This video (specifically the video with the music) is pretty close.

Tad had a conversation with Joshua. It didn't go well.

Joshua is convinced Tad is just like him. He's also convinced that Tad is going to hurt Tessa. So Tad has put two and two together there. Joshua has and/or is planning to hurt Tessa. 

Is he going to go after Joshua? No. He's not. Despite what people want to believe about whether or not Tad is telling the truth about his programming, he will not fix her problems for her now that he understands she's his handler. Unless she pulls out a "would you kindly." But if Tessa is trusting someone who may have actively hurt her in the past to keep an eye on him for her, he's not particularly pleased about her decision-making on that one. Keep your enemies close, sure. Tell them what scares you? Probably not a great idea. Especially when they are clearly actively stalking you. You found that note, eh, Joshua?

In his mind, Ken may have done worse than Joshua, but Joshua is more of an active threat to Tad. I say "more of" because Tad understands that Ken is still a threat to him. But it's the kind of threat he's used to.  Joshua is what hides quietly in the shadows. Tad grew up around dangerous people. But Joshua is a breed he's unfamiliar with. Which makes him all the more angry that Joshua is assuming that they're alike in any way. Also, he's angry that Joshua lied to him at least once in that call. He got so angry, that he started running his circuit. He didn't finish it completely though.

Most of Tad's talk with Kenneth was information gathering. What sort of trauma is Tad dealing with when it comes to him? Why is Smiley so interested in Tad? Is Ken capable of remorse? He wasn't expecting the answer he got to that last one: Maybe. Did he feel regret because his actions didn't result in him getting what he wanted? Or did he feel regret because he hurt Tessa? Or is he just bringing her up because Tad didn't hide the fact that there is still a connection there? It could be a manipulation tactic. Tell the kid what he wants to hear. 

If Ken is capable of feeling remorse, then Tad is willing to believe his own assertion that Ken reminds Tad of his own father in a way. Someone who does the things they're programmed to do whether they agree with it or not. Someone who has conflicted feelings about their own actions. If Ken is not capable of feeling remorse, then Tad has found his grandmother in Ken. That, plus Ken's own experience with brainwashing, is a bad combination. Tad is being cautious. Perhaps not physically. He's being bold physically. But he is currently very mentally guarded.

He'd be doing a better job of it if he weren't still so very broken. 

He doesn't know Jojo has been hurt. Apparently he hasn't made her emergency contact list yet. Heh.

Update: I signed in again because I forgot to handle something. Tad rolled...bad. Oop. I handled the thing. Tad rolled bad again. Texted Tessa. I don't think Nakkida was online, but Tessa and sleep Tad texted back and forth quite a bit. No phone call, so I'm not sure I'll post it. Just me typing a lot and waiting for responses. BUT, I'm sure she'll post screenshots in her meta channel if she hasn't already. And maybe I'll go over the texts in tomorrow's recording.

I'm not sure when I'll get the Joshua conversation up. I have a busy morning tomorrow.

Tad called Ken "Dad" today. Just saying.